


Paper Birds

by Allonsyx



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Awkward First Times, Awkward Kissing, Awkward Romance, Bullying, Character Death, Cheating, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Closeted Dean, Cutting, Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Smut, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Terminal Illnesses, Violence, cute dates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-08 19:07:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allonsyx/pseuds/Allonsyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“They say if you make a thousand paper cranes you can make a wish to a crane, ask for anything… even for an illness to be cured.” </p><p>Castiel's only friend is dying in hospital and he doesn't know what he's going to do without her, but then he meets Dean Winchester and maybe, just maybe, Castiel doesn't have to be alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Creases

Quiet, lonely and sad.  
  
That’s how Castiel Novak’s life had been from the beginning, though the quiet part did have a habit of changing, and not in any way for the best. When things were not quiet for the short, 17 year old, Novak boy, things were violent and scary.  
  
Castiel was the youngest of 5 boys; Gabriel, Balthazar, Lucifer and Jimmy… and in a household consisting of only teenage boys, things could get messy… especially when you were the youngest. Well, kind of the youngest. Castiel and Jimmy were identical twins, though their personalities were so much different.  
  
Castiel was the quiet one. The boy who kept to himself, focusing on his grades more than friends or anything else really. He was an outcast, not only at home but at school. Castiel was the boy who got beat up by the jocks, and mostly because he was openly gay. Jimmy on the other hand, was an outgoing boy who didn’t give the slightest fuck about what people thought of him. Jimmy. Much like Castiel, focused on his grades but not as much as Castiel. Jimmy focused on grades for particular subjects whereas Castiel focused on all of them, wanting to perfect them in order to get into a decent college so that he could get a doctorate in medicine.  
  
The other Novak boys were unlike Castiel and Jimmy. Gabriel was a young, short boy with short hair and a smirk that never seemed to leave his face. He quite frankly didn’t care about his grades or any of his classes in general and spent his free time playing petty little pranks on others –Mainly Castiel and Jimmy, seeing as the two of them stuck together-. Lucifer was just an outright bag of dicks who wouldn’t hesitate to beat the ever living crap out of anyone who got in his way. And Balthazar, well, Balthazar was a funny guy, Castiel wouldn’t lie. Sure, he had his bad days but he was always good to talk to until he pissed you off with his overused sarcasm.

The 5 boys lived with their parents, Richard and Naomi, A Christian couple who were rarely home due to their working hours… not that they cared about the boys anyway.  
  
It was Thursday. Cold, wet and boring. That’s how most Thursday afternoon’s went seeing as those were the afternoons where Castiel had no classes and never any work to catch up on.  
  
He was sitting alone in the library, fingers busily folding paper, his tongue poking out as he concentrated.  “Paper birds, huh?” A gruff voice asked, curiosity clear in his tone. Castiel turned, a little startled. Who the hell would be wanting to talk to him? God, maybe it was some asshole coming to beat the shit out of him again. “Cranes.” Castiel said, forcing a smile as he looked up at the tall figure in front of him. A boy that he’d never seen before. Tall, muscular and handsome in his leather jacket and torn jeans… let’s not even mention his emerald, foresty eyes. “They say if you make a thousand paper cranes you can make a wish to a crane, ask for anything… even for an illness to be cured.” Castiel shrugged, turning back toward the table to pick up another small sheet of origami paper. “Y’know that’s just a stupid, unrealistic legend, right?” The voice behind him responded, moving to take the seat across from Castiel. “You could say that, but sometimes it’s easier to find something to give you hope, no matter how stupid or unrealistic that something might be.”  
  
The boy in front of Castiel gave a small, warm smile. “Yeah, I understand exactly what you mean… I’m Dean by the way, Dean Winchester.” He said, holding a hand out towards Castiel but he didn’t take it, he just kept folding paper. “Castiel.” He said quickly, placing another paper crane to the side. “You’re Castiel, huh? I’ve heard a lot about you.” Dean chuckled and picked up a small blue crane, observing it. Great. He’d heard the rumors… God, Castiel didn’t even know what people were saying these days, he’d given up on knowing years ago. “Hey, cheer up, sunshine. I don’t listen to gossip, it just isn’t my thing,” He shrugged, placing the bird back on the table.  “So, what’re you gonna wish for? God, make it interesting.” Dean smirked, eyes locked onto Castiel.  “I uh… I have a friend who’s been hospitalised, they think it could be a tumor but they aren’t 100 percent sure.” He admitted but Dean just frowned. “Paper birds aren’t goin’ to do anything to save him, y’know? You’re just wasting time.” Dean said, speaking honestly.  
  
Castiel’s face flared red and he pushed his chair out, standing up and staring down at Dean angrily with his hands balled into fists. “You dick! Don’t you dare think you can just come in here and tell me that I’m doing nothing to save my friend! Don’t you fucking dare! You do not understand and you never will. I don’t even freaking know you! How dare you barge in here and tell me that I’m doing nothing? I don’t need that right now, you asshole!” He yelled, scooping the paper cranes into his carry bag and carrying it on one shoulder as he headed for the exit as quick as he could, just wanting to get out of here.  Maybe he should go to the hospital and make cranes there while talking to his friend, it’d encourage him to keep folding the birds even though he was starting to think that maybe Dean had a point.  
  
Paper birds couldn’t cure a tumor. 


	2. One Step Closer

Silence and the beeping of machines, the soft patter of rain against glass and metal.  
  
Castiel sat on the small, light blue chair that rested by the bed of his friend, Meg Masters, his hands busily folding more paper into small paper cranes. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up about me recovering, Clarence.” Meg said with a tired smile, head turned to look over at Castiel but he just shook his head, eyes refusing to meet hers. “You don’t believe in the cranes.” He muttered, hands lying still on his crane covered lap. “You think I’m just looking for hope where it doesn’t exist.” He sighed, thoughts wandering back to what Dean had said to him in the library. _‘You’re just wasting time…_ ’  “Hey, no, that’s not what I meant, I just don’t want you to be upset when I’m... if I...” Meg trailed off, eyes wandering down to the pale, thin hospital sheets. “When you’re what? Dead? You’re not going to die, Meg! I promise.”  
“Don’t. Don’t you dare promise me that.” Meg snapped, scolding Castiel as she spoke. “You can’t keep that promise, and I don’t want you to be stuck with an unkept promise when I’m dead because I can’t stand the thought of you feeling guilty. You can’t save me, Cas. Nobody can save me and I need you to know that none of this is your fault, okay?” Meg was smiling gently but tears were rolling down her pale cheeks. “Are you even trying to fight this? You sound like you just want to die! You can’t die, Meg. I need you, you’re all I’ve got.” Castiel’s voice was broken and gravely, eyes red and wet from the tears that he hadn’t realized were there. He couldn’t let Meg go, he couldn’t face being alone. He wouldn’t.  
  
Meg just gave another sad smile, eyes piercing into Castiel’s. “Don’t you cry on me, Clarence. How ‘bout you show me how you fold those ugly lookin’ birds?”

The two of them spent countless hours folding paper cranes, laughing and smiling together the way they used to. “You’re terrible at origami, Meg.” Castiel giggled, curling up beside her on the small hospital bed. “Yeah, and you’re a blanket hog. Move your ass.” She grumbled, pulling the sheets from underneath Castiel. “I could lay here with you, forever… just the two of us.” Castiel said with closed eyes, arm resting on Meg’s stomach. “Don’t be such a sap. Move your ass, Clarence, you’re too big for the bed.” Castiel opened his eyes, glaring at her mockingly. “Did you just call me fat, Meg?” He asked, seeming offended. “Naw, you’re just an oversized kitten… and you know how much I hate animals.” She nudged him, pushing him off of the bed. “You have to go, visiting hours are over and I need my beauty sleep. You know I’m an absolute demon when I haven’t slept.”  Castiel laughed softly, giving her a smile. “I’ll see you next Tuesday. Promise.” He called from the doorway before heading down the quiet halls of the hospital, towards the main desk.

He signed out on the visitor’s log, checking his watch in order to write in the exact time that he was leaving the hospital. 9pm. God, he hadn’t meant to stay so late, he never usually did. It would take him such a long time to walk home… two hours at the least. He sighed, forcing himself toward the exit, annoyance clear on his face. Great. Now Gabriel and Lucifer would start asking questions and he couldn’t tell the truth… They didn’t like the Masters family.

Castiel shivered violently when the cold air hit him, rain falling heavily onto the concrete. There was no way he could walk in this weather…He couldn’t risk getting sick, he couldn’t afford to miss any classes before exams, but what other choice did he have? He couldn’t call Gabriel or Lucifer… they’d ask why he was at the hospital. Castiel grumbled, walking forwards, arms crossed in attempt to keep warm and stop himself from shivering.  
  
The street lights were turning on as the sky got darker and the rain got heavier. Castiel could feel his nose starting to run as he hurried home, deciding to hold his backpack over his head but thinking better of it, worried that the rain would seep through the material and get to the paper cranes.

He’d been walking for about an hour before thunder began rumbling loudly, as if the sky were hungry. The lights of a car and the growling of an engine came from behind him and Castiel spun around to find a sleek black car parked behind him, a door opening. “Hey, Cas, right? You need a ride?” Castiel’s breath caught in his throat as he recognised the voice, it was the boy from the library. Castiel couldn’t pass up the ride home, the idea of dryness and warmth was too much and before Castiel really registered what he was doing, he was sitting in the front seat of the car, beside Dean Winchester.  
  
“Tryin’ to kill yourself out there, Cas?” Dean frowned, looking over at Castiel but there was something in his eyes… worry perhaps? Castiel couldn’t really tell. “Pneumonia isn’t pleasant.” Dean added. “I uh, sorry.” Castiel blushed, eyeing the floor awkwardly. “Sorry? No need to apologise, now… What’s your address?” Dean asked as he pulled out onto the road, driving toward the main road. “8 Shurley Avenue… near Cornwell’s store.” He said with a small nod, leaning back against the seat comfortably. “The rich end of town,” Dean chuckled to himself, turning off onto another road. “Should’ve known.” That made Castiel turn to look at him with furrowed eyebrows. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Castiel asked with a somewhat demanding tone, eyes not leaving Dean’s face. “Whoa, easy there, tiger… I just meant that I should have known seeing as you’re a Novak, your brother, Lucifer, doesn’t shut up about how rich you are.” _Oh._ Castiel blushed furiously, chewing on his bottom lip. “S-sorry… shouldn’t have gotten all defensive.”

Dean shrugged, turning up his music a little, his eyes on the road. “It’s cool, don’t sweat.”  
  
“That’s it. That house just to your left.” Castiel said, pointing toward the white, two storey house with a balcony. Dean whistled as they parked in the driveway. “Jeez, this house is…” “I know.” Castiel sighed, pushing his door open. “Hey, hold on a second. What’s your number?” _His number? Why would Dean want his number?_ “I uh... do you have a piece of paper and a pen?” Castiel asked, looking around the car a little awkwardly. “Just type it into my phone.” Dean laughed, passing it over to him. “Oh, give me yours and I’ll type mine in.” Castiel complied, passing Dean his old, worn phone, feeling a little embarrassed. “There you go.” Dean grinned, passing Castiel’s phone back and taking his own, shoving it into the front pocket of his jeans before Castiel thanked him, closed the door and began walking towards the front door of his house. “Oh, and Cas,” Dean called out to him, his door open so that Castiel could hear him. “Have a good night, I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” Did he just _wink? Oh god._ Castiel could feel his face heat up before he quickly turned back and hurried for the door, pushing it open and heading inside to escape the rain.

He made himself a sandwich, showered and pulled on an old Star Trek shirt and some sweatpants before climbing into his bed. And for the first time in so long, Castiel was excited for school.


	3. Dream On, Sunshine.

Castiel leaned forward, his lips soft against Dean’s and his arms wrapped tightly around his waist. He could feel Dean kissing him back, tongue gliding over his bottom lip and Castiel was more than happy to grant him entrance. Dean pushed Castiel onto his back, hands sliding up underneath Castiel’s shirt and he let out a soft whimper. Dean’s fingers tangled in his hair, tugging at it as the two boys kissed; their tongues sliding past each other, fighting for dominance.

“Wake up, sunshine.” Castiel groaned, forcing his eyes open.  
“Cas, Wake up. Don’t make me jump on your freakin’ bed.” Castiel forced himself into a sitting position in order to get a better look at whichever of his brothers had woken him up. It couldn’t have been late, Castiel always set his alarm for 6am and he was certain his alarm hadn’t even gone off yet. His eyes settled on the figure in front of him, giving his eyes a moment to adjust to the unnatural light. _Oh_. It was Balthazar.

“Oh god, did I sleep in? Am I late?” Castiel asked worriedly, eyes shifting to look at the digital clock that rested beside his bed. 7:00am. Castiel’s eyes widened and he hurried out of his bed and ran over to his closet, pulling out a black long sleeved shirt, a  coat and a pair of denim skinny jeans.  He got dressed hurriedly and combed his messy hair to the side but it didn't really do much, it was still messy as always. His hair had always been untameable.  

Castiel skipped breakfast, not really wanting to be late seeing as he had to walk and by the time he was actually out the door it was 8:30am which gave him only half an hour to get to school. Castiel's thoughts drifted as he walked, thinking about the night he'd shared with Dean... oh. It made sense now. It had been a dream. Didn't matter though, he'd get to see Dean at school later and that was exciting. Castiel couldn't remember the last time he'd felt happy to see someone at school. It would be nice to get to know someone for a change and Dean did seem kind of interesting, but who knew, he could still be a major jerk. 

The day started off nicely, the sky was white with clouds but there was no rain or wind which was lovely. Castiel's first two periods were Social studies and science, both of which mainly included studying for the upcoming exams. Study was easy, that's all Castiel really did in his spare time anyway. Study or visit Meg... which reminded him that Tuesday would be a long wait to see Meg. Perhaps he could skip last period just this once and head over there to see her, it would be nice. 

Dean Winchester hadn't shown up at school today which didn't surprise Castiel in the slightest, anything to get out of talking to him, right? He'd been stupid to think that Dean had actually wanted to be his friend. He probably just wanted to get close enough to earn Castiel's trust so that he could get secrets out of him. Secrets that he'd then go and spread around the school until everyone knew and Castiel was seen as even more of a joke than he was now, which honestly seemed impossible.

Castiel had ended up skipping his last three periods in order to visit Meg because he felt stupid and he quite honestly didn't want to be at school now. Who knew what Dean was planning or how many people were actually in on it. At least he had Meg, right? 

He made his way to the front office of the hospital, speaking to a nurse in order to make sure Meg was still in the same hospital room, which of course she was. Meg hated moving and she always managed to talk the nurses into letting her keep the one she was in. He signed the visitors log and headed off toward the first hall, toward Meg's room.  
  
Meg was asleep when Castiel first got there; a nurse standing beside her bed with a small clipboard, checking the machines and writing down information. "Excuse me," Castiel started, a small, gentle smile on his face, "How long has she been asleep?" Meg never usually slept long during the day. Maybe 3-4 hours but Castiel never really cared, it was nice to see her relaxed. "Just over 2 hours. She shouldn't be down much longer but I would much rather you leave her to sleep." Castiel nodded heading back out toward the door. "She can still eat, right?" He asked, making sure that it would be okay to buy her something from the cafeteria. The nurse nodded, clutching the clipboard. "Yes, but I'd lay low on sugar based products." 

The cafeteria wasn't far. It was at the front of the hospital near the gift shop, but not very close to the main office. The line was short, as always. Maybe five people were lined up behind the register which was actually less than usual, maybe Cas had actually picked a decent time to come down here.

Castiel stood at the back of the line, thinking about what to get. Perhaps he'd get himself a salad and Meg... what the hell would Meg want today? She'd wanted an egg and bacon roll last time he'd been asked to get her something so maybe that and a bottle of water would be okay… and a Beef pie in case she didn’t want the roll. Whatever Meg didn’t eat, Castiel would.

By the time he reached the front of the cafeteria, the egg and bacon rolls were gone which indicated that the canteen must have been busy earlier. He decided to order A pie, a container of salad with homemade dressing, a small chicken and salad burger and 2 bottles of water. It cost more than he’d been planning on spending but that wasn’t a surprise to him. Hospital food was always overpriced and the quality of the food was terrible.

He headed back up to Meg’s hospital room, walking passed the waiting room on the way but he paused when he heard a familiar voice. “C’mon, you’ve gotta let me see him! He’s my brother!” Castiel stepped back toward the waiting room to see Dean Winchester standing in the middle of the room, arguing with a doctor. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down or we’re going to have to make you leave.” The doctor said calmly, gesturing for Dean to take a seat. “Dean?” Castiel said, walking over to him with a worried look. “What’s going on?” He’d heard Dean mention his brother so obviously something had happened to him and it had to be bad since Dean looked really panicked and they weren’t letting Dean see him.

“Cas!” Dean said, looking up at him with relief and it was only then that Castiel realized that Dean was all bloody, his cheek swollen and bruised, cuts covering his arms. “What happened to you?” Castiel asked, a sense of worry rushing over him as he looked Dean up and down. “Car accident,” Dean managed to say, chewing on his bottom lip. “Sammy’s hurt. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s all my fault, I should have paid more attention to the road. I could have fucking killed him… oh god, what if he dies?” Dean had tears rolling down his cheeks, rolling over his cuts and it looked painful.

“Dean, this isn’t your fault. He’s going to be okay.” Castiel muttered though he wasn’t quite sure what to say… He didn’t want to make this worse. He pulled out the pie from the little plastic bag he was carrying and passed it over to Dean with a small smile. “He’ll be okay.” He said quietly.

Dean gave him a sad smile, looking down at the pie. “You don’t want this?” Cas shook his head, holding up the plastic bag. “I have other things. I only got it in case Meg didn’t want the chicken burger.” He shrugged. “Meg? Is that the friend you were making the birds for?” He asked curiously, eyes on Castiel’s face. “Cranes,” He corrected with a small smirk. “Uh, yeah. I should probably go and see her now though. She was asleep before but she’s probably awake now and I don’t want the burger to get cold… You can come if you’d like. Honestly, I don’t think they’ll let you see your brother for a few more hours. That’s how it is with Meg sometimes… They won’t let me see her when she’s in a lot of pain.”

The two of them made their way up to Meg’s room, Dean eating as they walked. “So Meg’s just a friend or…?” Castiel sighed, looking over at Dean. “I’m gay.” He said before thinking, his cheeks flushing red. Dean probably knew anyway, that might have been why he was talking to him in the first place. Perhaps he’d been dared to chat up the gay guy. Dean just smirked, chewing on the pie. Yeah, it was definitely a dare or something but Castiel couldn’t find it in himself to confront Dean or to stay away from him. The feeling of having a friend was too much and he didn’t want to lose it.

 


	4. You Deserve the Best

The hospital room was quiet and a sort of heaviness fell over it. Meg was awake now but she was quiet, not really wanting to talk much though she greeted Castiel when he entered the room, like she usually did. “Afternoon, Clarence.” She said a little dully with a clearly forced smile. “Who’s this?” She asked and Dean smiled at her, following behind Castiel as he headed toward the chair beside Meg’s bed.  
“This is Dean Winchester, we go to school together… kinda just bumped into him near the waiting room.” Castiel shrugged, cheeks reddening and Meg smirked at him knowingly. “I see then. Pleasure meeting you, Winchester. Better not hurt my unicorn or I swear to god, I’ll climb out of my grave and kick your ass.” Castiel groaned, staring Meg down. He was so tired of meg making jokes about her dying, she was going to survive this.

“What’s in the bag? Please tell me you bought me food… I’m dying of starvation in here.” She groaned, pushing the sheets down a little. “Chicken burger alright with you? They didn’t have much…” “Yes! Gah, what would I do without you?" Castiel giggled and reached into the bag, pulling out both Meg’s burger and his container of salad. He passed Meg the burger and gestured for Dean to grab a seat from the other side of the room. “You can just pull one of those chairs over here.” Castiel smiled and Dean nodded, walking over to where the chairs were. “He’s a cutie.” Meg whispered over at Castiel and his face flushed a deep red and he giggled. “Shut up.”  
“Make me, Clarence. You’re so hot for him, aren’t you?” She grinned, “Head over heels.” Castiel bit his lip and shook his head quickly. “I hardly know him and just… just look at him. He’s obviously straight, and besides, even if he was bisexual or gay, why the hell would he like _me_ like that?” No one liked Castiel like that and with good reason. Castiel was just a lonely, nerdy kid with depression. He still had trouble believing that Meg wanted to be his friend, but Meg was anything but normal so he guessed that was one reason.

Dean managed to pull a chair over beside Castiel but it seemed a little close to his so Castiel moved over a bit to give Dean some room. Meg always told him he needed to be more cautious of people's personal space. But when Castiel moved his chair, Dean slid his closer. “So, Winchester, you straight?” Meg asked, giving Castiel a smirk. Did she think this was some kind of joke? She was going to embarrass Castiel and Dean would probably avoid him in the future… it wouldn’t matter though. Castiel was used to having no friends and to being the only gay guy around, well, he didn’t know that but it damn well felt like it. “’m bi actually. What’s it to you?” Meg’s smirk just grew wider at his words and she forced herself into a sitting position. “Just curious.” She said simply and Castiel let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, he was so god damn relieved that she hadn’t said anything about the two of them getting together or something like that.

The time went quickly and Dean had offered Castiel a lift home, to which Castiel had of course agreed to. He said goodbye to Meg and promised he would come over on Tuesday like he had said only yesterday and Meg had asked Dean to come too but Dean wasn’t sure if he’d be able to.

Dean and Castiel headed toward the door but Meg quickly called Castiel back for a moment. “You go, I’ll meet you at the car.” Dean sighed but nodded at him before heading off; he’d probably check to see if he could see Sam first anyway. “So, Dean, huh? You guys seem kinda close for two people who’ve ‘just met.”  
“What are you implying?” Castiel asked, eyes narrowed and head tilted to the side as he looked at her in confusion. “I think he’s good for you, Cas. I haven’t seen you look _that_ happy… well, ever. Even when you’re with me. I’m happy for you. I know you guys don’t know each other very well but you’re talking and just the way you two look at each other when you don’t think the other person is looking… you guys seem so perfect, even if you’re just friends.” Castiel smiled gently, his cheeks flushed and his head down. “We are just friends, Meg. Don’t make a big deal out of this; _he_ doesn’t like me like that.” Castiel muttered and Meg gave him a knowing smile. “But you do. You like him and I can see it. Don’t put yourself down, okay? I think that if you believe in yourself and get to know Dean a little, maybe you two will end up together.” Meg said before nudging Castiel with her hand. “Now get your ass out of here, don’t keep him waiting.” Castiel giggled and hurried off. “Have a good night, Meg!”

Castiel reached the car, laughing to himself as he slid into the passenger seat. “Sorry about that.” He smiled, turning to face Dean. “You remember the address, right?” _Oh_. Castiel paused, chewing on his bottom lip. “Dean, are you alright? What’s going on?” Dean was in tears, head in hands. “Don’t look at me…” He mumbled with a broken voice, his face red. “Dean, it’s okay. You can tell me.”  
“I don’t want you to see me like this. I’m not supposed to cry, I’m supposed to be strong.” He sobbed, slamming his fist against the steering wheel, causing Castiel to jump. “Dean, everyone cries. You’re not weak for crying, you’re strong. You’re letting go of your emotions and quite frankly, that is stronger than bottling them up and shrugging everything off.” Castiel said quietly, shuffling a little closer before he found himself enveloped in Dean’s strong arms. “Sammy’s hurt, Cas. They won’t… they won’t let me see him. Why the hell won’t they let me see him?” Castiel was startled by Dean’s touch but he wrapped his arms around Dean too, holding him close. “He’s going to be okay, I can come back with you tomorrow or maybe even later. I’m here for you, Dean. I need you to know that, okay? I’m here for you no matter what happens.” He whispered before Dean pulled away, eyes on the road in front of him as he quickly started the car. “Why do bad things always happen to good people? Sammy and Meg… they’re good people who deserve to live. Why do bad things have to happen to _them_?” That was a good question, a question that Castiel would never know the answer to.


	5. Not Much of an Entrance

Saturday. Cold, wet, windy Saturday.

As usual, Castiel was camped out in his room since there was no school and nothing to really worry about until later. Saturdays were the days that he felt free of everything; they were the only days where he got to do what _he_ wanted to do. Weekdays were the days where he studied, avoided people and occasionally visited Meg, and Sundays were ‘family days’. Every Sunday morning The Novak’s had to attend church and then go out for lunch. Sunday lunch was the worst part though, there was always an argument between Lucifer and Gabriel which ended with all of the boys being punished, even Castiel… no, wait, _especially_ Castiel. Castiel never did anything wrong himself, other than being gay. He’d told his parents and his father had been disgusted with him, telling him that he’d pay for his sins and he was damned, that he had been damned since birth. Castiel had always been the burden that his parents were forced to carry around with them though, his sexuality had just deepened their hate for him.

Castiel lay on his bed with closed eyes, earphones in and blasting music. The words were nice and the tune was catchy and Castiel couldn’t help but sing them loudly, not caring how he sounded. The odds of his brothers being home on a Saturday were very thin.  
  
 _“But February made me shiver,_  
 _with every paper I’d deliver._  
 _Bad news on the doorstep,_  
 _I couldn’t take one more step.”_  
  
Castiel sang, his voice confident and loud, eyes still closed. He really did love this song and the movie American Pie had been one of his favorites,

_“I can’t remember if I cried,_   
_When I read about his widowed bride._   
_But something touched me deep inside,_   
_The day the music died.”_

A noise sounded from somewhere but Castiel shrugged it off, his music was terrible quality and it was probably just background noise or something.

 _“So bye-bye miss American pie,_  
 _drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry-“_  
  
Castiel felt a weight at the bottom of his bed and his eyes shot open, body jolting up into a sitting position only to find Dean sitting on the end of his bed with a grin. “Easy, tiger, ‘s just me.”  
“What the hell? How’d you get in? God, normal people knock!” Castiel yelled, pulling his earphones out of his ears. “I figured you wouldn’t like your brothers or your parents knowing about us being friends so I climbed through the window. Y’know, next time you want to grow a tree near your window, make it a tree that grows big… climbing a tree like that makes getting into your room a little difficult.” Dean smirked, crawling up to lie beside Cas, kicking his shoes off beside the bed.  
“Well, I’d never really expected people to climb through my window. I could have been doing anything in here… I mean, not like…” Castiel blushed, feeling a little embarrassed by what he had said. “You’ve got a beautiful voice, Cas… like an angel.” Castiel’s cheeks burned deeper and he had to hide his face. He could hear Dean chuckling before he felt an arm wrap around his waist, pulling him down to lie beside Dean, body cuddling into Dean’s side. Castiel squeaked, eyes widening and body stiffened before relaxing a little, enjoying the close proximity a little more than he should have been. “Went to visit Sammy today, they didn’t give me long,” Dean admitted, looking over at Castiel. “He’s not good, Cas… they won’t tell me everything but I think he’s got  some kind of damage to the brain… at least that’s what I heard the nurses saying.” Castiel’s smile faltered and he squirmed out of Dean’s grip so he could turn to face him a little more. “Do you think he’s going to be okay?” Castiel asked, sympathy lacing his tone. “I hope so… I’ve been trying to tell myself that he’s going to be fine; that everything is okay, but I just can’t, Cas. What if he dies because of me?” Castiel couldn’t stand hearing Dean blaming himself for this. It couldn’t have been his fault. He just hoped that Sam would live through this so that Dean didn’t have to feel guilty for the rest of his life for no good reason.

“Will you sing for me, Cas?” Sing? In front of Dean? No way in hell. Castiel couldn’t sing in front of people, it was embarrassing enough that Dean had managed to hear him singing before. He shook his head, chewing on his bottom lip. “C’mon, Cas… cheer me up. Sing to me.”  
“No, I-I can’t.”  He muttered awkwardly before Dean’s fingers came down on his shirt, right at his stomach, tickling Castiel. He squirmed, giggling loudly as he tried to shove Dean away but he was failing, arms weak and hands clutching at Dean’s shirt. “D-Dean! Stop _it_!” He giggled hysterically, clawing at Dean’s body but he just kept tickling. “Make me.” He said with a large grin, rolling over so that he was now straddling Castiel’s waist. Castiel’s heart nearly stopped and his breath caught in his throat. _Oh my god_. Dean Winchester was sitting on top of him, laughing and joking around with him… was this even real? “You gonna sing for me, Cas?” He shook his head. “N-no.” “You sure you don’t want to change your mind? You’ve only got one chance to change it.”  
Castiel shook his head again and Dean’s fingers slid slowly up Castiel’s shirt, resting at his sides. “Going once… Going Twice… SOLD!” Dean shouted and began poking at Castiel’s sides, making him squeal with laughter. “ _Dean! Stop it_! I h-hate you so m-much… GAh!” Castiel tried to get away but Dean’s body weight was holding his down and he couldn’t shove him off. “You’re a fuc-king asshole!” He cried in between laughs before Dean’s fingers stopped and Castiel opened his eyes to look up at Dean only to find their faces inches apart. Castiel could feel Dean’s hot breath against his skin and he shivered, not sure where to put his hands… they kind of seemed like useless ends of rope that were getting in the way; though he ended up resting them against Dean’s chest.  
  
It seemed like forever before Dean leaned closer, his lips against Castiel’s, moving gently. His lips were soft but Castiel couldn’t quite focus on that… he was startled. Eyes wide open, staring at the face against his own, unable to pull away though luckily Dean pulled away only a few moments later with a confused look on his face. “You okay?” He asked Castiel, seeming a little worried. “I-I.. I don’t… I’m o-okay.” Castiel stammered and Dean chuckled quietly. “Please tell me I didn’t just steal your first kiss…” Castiel’s cheeks flared red and he nodded slowly, leaning up to peck Dean’s lips again, only quickly. “Y-yeah but I’m not complaining.” He replied, a little more confidently. Dean leaned downwards again, his hand cupping Castiel’s cheek as their lips moved together in sync, a little awkward and rather sloppy but Castiel wasn’t really sure how to kiss.  
“Will you sing for me now, Cas?” Dean whispered as he pulled away and Castiel nodded gently, chewing on his bottom lip.


	6. Not That Special

_“_ _You could be my unintended Choice to live my life extended You could be the one I'll always love You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions You could be the one I'll always love”  
_  
Castiel’s voice was shaky and it kept breaking on the high notes as he cuddled into the warmth of Dean’s arms, the two of them laying together on Castiel’s bed. Dean would steal a quick kiss when Castiel’s voice broke and Castiel would just smile shyly and hide his head, continuing to sing quietly,  
  
 _“I'll be there as soon as I can But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before First there was the one who challenged All my dreams and all my balance She could never be as good as you_ ,”

Dean’s fingers slid up underneath Castiel’s shirt, rubbing soothing shapes over his stomach and moving up towards his chest but Castiel didn’t stop singing. Dean’s eyes were closed and his head rested just above Castiel’s, pulling Castiel closer towards him with his free hand.  
  
 _“You could be my unintended Choice to live my life extended You should be the one I'll always love I'll be there as soon as I can But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_ _,”  
_  
The last line was sung in only a whisper and Dean was humming along to the tune, smiling softly to himself as he listened to Castiel’s voice.  
  
 _I'll be there as soon as I can but I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before. Before you._ ”

They lay silently for a few moments before Dean sat up and smiled at Castiel, leaning down to press their lips together but Castiel was desperate and began trying to take over the kiss. He let his tongue glide over Dean’s lower lip; mimicking the way Dean had done that earlier though Dean had made it so much more perfect. As soon as Dean opened his mouth to grant Castiel’s tongue access, Cas wasted no time to slide his tongue in against Dean’s but Dean seemed a little hesitant and ended up pulling away. “Cas, you gotta take it slower until you know what you’re doing.” Dean said to him but Castiel just looked away, feeling awkward. “S-sorry, Dean.” He whispered. Dean caught Castiel’s chin between his thumb and forefinger and tilted his head to look up at him. “Don’t be sorry, gorgeous… we’ve got plenty of time to practice.” He grinned and began pulling Cas into his arms, to which Castiel was more than happy to let him do.  
  
“Cas, I was hoping that maybe you could help me to start making some of those paper birds for Sammy… I just want to do something for him. Maybe he’ll get better.” Dean shrugged and Castiel could tell that he was a little embarrassed. “I’d love to, Dean. I still have to make more for Meg but I doubt I have many  to go. They’re really easy to make.” He smiled, getting up off of Dean’s lap and making his way over to his closet before returning with a handful of paper.

Castiel sat back down in Dean’s lap and hummed at the feeling of strong arms holding him in place as he spread the paper out in front of himself. “So all you have to do is fold the paper diagonally… No, like this..” Castiel shuffled on to Dean’s lap so that he could get a better look at what Dean was doing. He helped Dean to move his fingers in order to the fold the crane and he smiled at him when he’d managed to do it correctly. “Alright, good… now you need to fold it on the perpendicular- Dean, I haven’t even told you the next step… You don’t do it like that.” Castiel groaned and Dean just chuckled, throwing the paper aside before pushing Castiel onto his back in order to straddle his waist again.  
  
“Screw it, I can’t do it… they’re too hard.” Dean complained, lips moving against Castiel’s jaw and Castiel just whimpered. “We didn’t even get up to the hard part.” But Dean wasn’t listening anymore, his lips were moving softly against Castiel’s and he was pulling him up a little so that he could wrap his arms around him again. “mmph, D-Dean.” Castiel moaned before kissing Dean back sloppily but Dean didn’t seem to mind, he just sucked on Castiel’s lower lip before biting down on it and attempting to slide his shirt over his head but that was the moment things seemed to be getting a little much for Castiel and he squirmed away, pushing gently at Dean’s chest.  
  
“I can’t do it… I-I’m not ready.” He mumbled and Dean kissed his jawbone gently. “It’s alright, Cas. I just want you to feel comfortable.”  
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...” Castiel repeated, his tone close to a sob and Dean just pulled him close and rocked him back and forth. “Don’t apologize to me, Cas, I’m proud of you for telling me that you didn’t feel comfortable with that. We can go at whatever pace you want to go at.” Castiel nodded at that, pressing himself as close to Dean as possible. “I like you, Cas. You’re just somethin’ special and I want to be there for you, I want to be the one who takes good care of you.” He muttered and Castiel could feel his heart throbbing and his mind wandering.  
What did this make them now? Castiel had never done anything like this or anything close to it. Did this make them _Boyfriends_ now? Were they going to tell anyone?  
“What does this… well, y’know, make us now?” Castiel asked curiously and Dean frowned a little before answering. “Friends with benefits.” He smiled, kissing Cas gently on the lips. Oh. That’s all this was… He’d seen enough movies to understand what that meant and Castiel couldn’t help but feel upset and a little used. He thought he had been _‘special’_ and that this had meant more than that.  
  
 **All good things come with a price.**


	7. Bad News

Sunday was worse than usual but Castiel was trying his best to ignore it. Gabriel and Lucifer hadn’t fought for once but somehow Castiel still managed to get in trouble for things he wasn’t sure he had even done.  
  
Castiel hadn’t bothered to text Dean after the events of last night. He refused to be Dean’s play toy, it wasn’t fair in the slightest. Castiel was tired of being used and if Dean were just using him for make out sessions and sex, Castiel didn’t want to have anything to do with him. He would not be used like that. He had feelings too.

Meg had text Castiel early in the morning to tell him not to come over until Tuesday like he had said, and Castiel could understand why she’d be saying that. Castiel was quite honestly there too much and Meg must have been getting a little tired of it. She probably just needed some space.

Castiel was currently sitting on the edge of his bed with his eyes on the floor, not wanting to meet his father’s gaze Castiel’s father was standing directly in front of him, his voice high and loud as he yelled at Cas about ‘ruining his image’ which of course Castiel was confused about; He never left his room unless his father forced him to, never asked of anything from his parents or brothers and never showed himself to their guests… So what had he done this time? “You’re disgusting and you’re a bad influence on your brothers! You’re a satanic little bastard, liking men… that’s Satan’s creation. You deserve to die, I hope god sends you straight to hell in your sleep!”

Castiel hadn’t really listened at all throughout his father’s rants, not wanting to feel more down than he already felt. He couldn’t get Dean off his mind and that was starting to piss him off. He didn’t need Dean in his life at all. Castiel wanted to be someone, not a toy. That got Castiel thinking though, how many other ‘friends with benefits’ did Dean have and how special was he anyway? Dean had told him that he was special but he couldn’t be, seeing as he was only Dean’s benefit package.

Cas’ father left the room after a few moments of Castiel not responding to his ranting and yelling. Perhaps he’d finally realized that Castiel didn’t mind much anymore but of course that wasn’t likely; Castiel’s father would come back to interrogate him later, probably have something else to yell at him over. He’d probably go and ask his brothers about things that Castiel had done, and they would lie to him the way they usually did, and Castiel’s father wouldn’t believe him when he tried to deny doing whatever it was that he was said to have done. 

Castiel just laid back on his bed, trying his hardest not to cry. Everything as too much for him and he wandered how much longer he’d need before things got bad again. He didn’t want that… He’d tried so hard to change things for himself but now all of the effort he’d put into making things better had been wasted. Why couldn’t Dean actually like him? Why couldn’t he have a loving family? Why did his best friend have to be dying? He wished he had answers to those questions but of course he just didn’t… he never would either.

A rustling in the tree outside his window made Castiel groan, wiping his eyes from the tears that had fallen without his knowledge. He stormed over to the window and tore it open angrily. “Go away Dean! Jesus Christ…” But the head that emerged from the tree, gripping the window wasn’t Dean, nor was it Meg of course, - Meg couldn’t climb into his room via the tree anymore since she was in hospital and it worried Castiel that she probably never would be able to climb through his window again,- No, the head that emerged from the tree was Gabriel. “G-Gabriel?” Gabriel chuckled and pulled himself through Castiel’s window quickly. “Sorry baby bro, Did I scare you? My bad..”  
“Why didn’t you just use the freakin’ door?” Castiel demanded, his tone laced with annoyance and confusion. “Well, honestly, Dad doesn’t want anyone talking to you so I couldn’t exactly be seen walking through the door… And besides, the hell is it such a crime for me to talk to my brother? Oh, but before I say anything else, who is this _Dean_ you were calling out to?” Castiel’s breath caught in his throat and he turned away, walking towards his bed. “Just an asshole who used to climb through the window…” He said but he knew that wasn’t enough to please Gabriel. “So what you’re trying to tell me is that Cassy has a boyfriend? Daaw, What’s his last name?” Gabriel asked with a smirk but Castiel didn’t answer, he didn’t want Gabriel to know about Dean.  
“He’s just a friend and I don’t know his last name.”  
“Don’t lie, princess, what’s the dude’s name?”  
“Winchester. Dean Winchester.” Castiel finally answered and Gabriel shut up immediately, probably debating whether or not he should yell at Castiel over this but he didn’t and Castiel was surprised by what Gabriel did next.

“Cassy, you deserve someone better… No one knows that Winchester is bisexual so good luck getting him to take you out in public as more than a friend… He’s just going to use you, Cas, I won’t let him use you. Winchester is bad news and I think you should find someone else, someone who makes you happy, though who am I to talk? I’ve got a thing for baby Winchester, been visiting him every day, the nurses don't keep their eyes on the door... He's nt even supposed to have visitors but hey, the poor son of a bitch is in hospital, though you probably already knew that. Just, stay away from Dean, alright? I don’t want to see you hurt.” Was Gabriel actually looking out for him or was this just some ruse to get him away from someone popular? Well, if Dean was actually popular.

“Oh, Cas… next time dad comes in here to yell, kick him in the groin and get your ass into my room, ‘k? He won’t find you in there and he deserves a kick in the ass, he’s a great big bag of dicks with no respect for anyone but himself. Don’t you tell anyone about my freakin’ gay crush on Samsquatch or you’ll lose my respect. And I’m sorry for being a jerk all the time, I didn’t really understand how it felt to be gay until, well, a few months ago and I was too afraid to say anything, alright? I didn’t want to believe it.” Castiel gave Gabriel a small smile, watching as he hurried off toward the window, pulling himself through it onto the tree, leaves crackling and branches snapping as he made his way down.

 


	8. The Two of Us Against the World

“Hey, Cas!” Castiel bit his bottom lip as he heard the voice behind him. _Great_. He’d tried his best to avoid Dean Winchester all day and he’d almost succeeded, but of course Dean had managed to find him only a few minutes before he headed home. Castiel shoved his head deeper into his locker, pretending to search for something. “Cas, where were you today? I’ve been looking for you all day.”   
“I had work to catch up on.” He replied dryly, pulling his backpack from his locker and slinging it over one shoulder. “Right, well anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to catch a movie or something later.” Dean said with a smile and Castiel had to force himself to say no. “I can’t, I’m busy. Family dinner.” He shrugged and Dean nodded and he looked a little disappointed. “That’s cool, maybe some other time, right? Do you want a lift home?” Castiel bit his lip and gave a slight nod, he didn’t want Dean suspecting anything.

After locking his locker, Castiel made his way out toward the school parking lot with Dean, not really paying much attention to what Dean was talking about. “… And the nurse kind of gave me this look as to say- Hey, Cas, are you even listening?”   
“Sorry, busy day… I’m just a little tired.” Castiel shrugged, offering Dean an apologetic smile. “’s cool. What time do you have to be home? Maybe you could come to the hospital with me, Sammy really wants to meet you.” Dean grinned at him, pulling his door open and gesturing for him to get in. Did that mean Dean spoke to his brother about him? “We could do that tomorrow, I’m going to see Meg after school and it’s probably best if I wait until then to go to the hospital, I’ve been there a lot more than I’d like to so I kind of just need a break from visiting.”   
“Well, tomorrow then. It’s a date.” He smirked and Castiel’s cheeks flushed a deep red. “If you don’t have to be home until later we could go to my house or something… anywhere you want.” Castiel sighed, maybe Gabriel had been wrong, Dean seemed genuinely interested in taking Castiel out. “I wouldn’t mind meeting your parents, if that’s okay with you of course.” Castiel said with a smile. He was curious about what kind of people Dean’s parents were. “Sure, just… don’t mention anything about me being Bi, I’d rather them think I’m simply interested in woman.” That was fair enough, Castiel couldn’t argue with that. “Of course not.” He smiled and Dean started the car and backed out of the parking lot.   
  
Castiel was worried, worried that Gabriel would find out about him ignoring the warning and hanging out with Dean. He was also worried about Gabriel being right about Dean and he probably was. Dean had told him that they were ‘friends with benefits’ which should have been enough to keep him from talking to Dean, but it hadn’t been and that really worried him. He didn’t want to stay away from Dean, he had strong feelings for Dean and he didn’t know if he could just ignore them and stay away from Dean.   
  
The drive to Dean’s house was short and somewhat quiet, the two of them hadn’t spoken though Dean had sung along to what Castiel guessed was ‘ACDC’ was. When they arrived, Dean stepped out of the car and waited for Cas to get out before he locked it and lead him toward the door of the small, two-storey wooden house with the white picket fence and the unmown lawn, fumbling through the pockets of his jeans for the house key. “Don’t mind my dad… he’s not exactly a people person.” Dean admitted before pushing the front door open. The inside of the house was tidy but small, at least from what Castiel could see. The hallway consisted of a small wooden table, a staircase with a broken handrail, and a few doorways. “Excuse the mess, everything’s been a little hectic since the accident.” Dean said, heading into the living room only to be greeted by his father lying across the couch with a bottle of beer. “Oh, hey Dad…” Dean muttered but got no response, he turned back to face Cas and pushed him back out into the hallway before closing the door behind them. “We’ll just take the other door to the kitchen, I don’t think dad would be happy if he knew I brought a friend over on football night.” He said, taking Castiel’s hand and tugging him toward the kitchen.

As the two of them neared the kitchen a familiar smell wafted into Castiel’s face and he smiled. He’d missed the scent of this kind of food, the Novak’s didn’t usually get to eat much more than fish and vegetables. Red meat wasn’t often eaten at home.   
  
Dean pushed the door open to reveal a tidy kitchen with a round, wooden table and a small kitchen with a polished wooden bench. A tall, blonde haired woman stood up from bellow the kitchen counter and paused as she saw Dean. “I thought you were going to visit Sam,” She said before spotting Castiel. “Oh, Hello! I wasn’t expecting visitors.” She said with a smile, making her way out of the kitchen in a small dress with an apron tied around her waist. “I’m Mary.” She said, offering a hand to Castiel and he happily took it, shaking it gently. “I’m Castiel, Dean and I go to school together.” He said, stepping a little closer towards him to close the distance that Dean had created when he’d realized his mother was in the room. “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” She smiled gently, eyeing Dean, “You boys behave, alright? Your father’s watching the football and I don’t think he’d be too pleased if you interrupted, Oh, and make sure you show Castiel around so he knows where the toilet is. There’s food in the pantry if you get hungry.” Dean groaned, pulling Castiel out toward the stairs. “Sorry about that, mum likes to know who I’m hanging out with.” He said, his tone laced with annoyance. Castiel shook his head, not quite sure why Dean wanted to apologize about something like that. “No need to apologize, I thought she was lovely… my mother would never do that.” He admitted with a shrug as they reached Dean’s room. “Really? I didn’t think anyone actually liked when parents did the whole introduction thing.” He said before pushing the door open a little awkwardly. “Excuse the mess.” Dean said but Castiel was too busy looking around the room curiously. There was a small shelf with old books on folklore and a few trophies. By the window there was a double bed with a black doona and a mountain of pillows piled up against the headboard. The floor was covered by a mess of clothing and food wrappers, Castiel couldn’t help but blush at the sight of Dean’s underwear. “Mum keeps trying to make me tidy up but I don’t see the point, I know where everything is when it’s like this… but I guess it’s a little embarrassing.” He chuckled to himself, sprawling himself across the centre of the bed.

Castiel took a seat on the edge of the bed but Dean ended up pulling him into the centre to lie against his side. Castiel couldn’t help but cuddle into Dean as soon as their bodies met and he felt like the whole friends with benefits thing had never happened, than his brother had never said anything about Dean not being good for him. The only words that went through Castiel’s mind were the words that Meg had spoken, the ones that made him think that maybe someday Dean would decide that Castiel was more than just a friend that he could make out with _. ‘He’s good for you, Cas.’_

Dean’s lips came down on Castiel’s and he was shaken back into the real world, his thoughts sinking to the back of his head as he closed his eyes and deepened the kiss. He rolled over so that he was lying on top of Dean, arms wrapped around his body as he tried to get as close to him as possible. Castiel’s hand crept to the nape of Dean’s neck, sliding up to pull at Dean’s hair, causing him to moan softly against his lips before he finally pulled back.

Dean’s green eyes pierced into Castiel’s and he couldn’t bring himself to look away. “You have such beautiful eyes, Cas, did you know that? As blue as crystals, as blue as city lights dancing across a lake…” Castiel smiled softly, leaning down to kiss Dean softly. “Dean, I don’t… I don’t want to be your friend.” _Shit, no, that had come out wrong. That sounded awful._ “I-I mean, I don’t… I want to mean something to you Dean. I want to be yours and only yours, you’ve changed me, Dean Winchester, and I don’t think anyone else has or ever could have made me feel so happy to be alive. Dean, I want to be with you.” Castiel said with the ghost of a smile on his lips but Dean was frowning, pushing Castiel off in order for him to sit up. “Cas, I can’t… I don’t want to be in a relationship. I like things to be casual, I don’t like to be limited to just one person because what if I end up with the wrong one? There are so many people out there and if I get into a relationship I could miss out on finding someone incredible. I always screw things up, don’t make me screw things up with you, I don’t need that.” Castiel felt like his heart had ripped in half and was sinking to the bottom of his chest. He nodded and heard a quiet whimper to which he didn’t realize belonged to him until a few moments afterwards. He could feel tears rolling down his cheeks and he couldn’t stop them.

“Cas, hey… Don’t cry, we can be a casual thing… friends with benefits like before, we can still do things together.” Dean muttered but Castiel wasn’t listening. Dean had a point of course, well, at least when it came to ‘finding the right person’ because yes, there were so many other people out there, but when it came to the whole friends with benefits thing, Castiel felt disgusted. It felt like Dean just wanted whoever was available to satisfy his needs and Castiel would not do that anymore, not that they had taken things further than kissing but it still wasn’t fair, and who knew how long it would be until kissing didn’t satisfy Dean enough. “I want be your play toy, Dean. I am a person, I have feelings too. Who knows how many other friends with benefits you have… what number am I, huh?” He snapped and Dean reached out for him with an apologetic look. “Cas, you’re not a ‘play toy’ I would never use you… you’re a friend, okay? We can still do things together but we just won’t be in a relationship. I like you, Cas, I really do but I-”  
  
“-Just can’t be in a relationship with me. Yeah, I get it. You don’t have feelings for me, blah-blah-blah.” He said dryly, pulling himself from the bed and heading for the door. “Cas, wait! I’m not saying that I don’t have feelings for you… I’m just saying that I fuck up relationships… I’ve been in 2 relationships in my life and I screwed them both up and I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to mess things up with you because I’ve never… I’ve never felt this way about anyone, okay? There’s just something about you telling me that we could be together, that I might be... I might be a little in love with you but my head keeps telling me to stay away, that I’m gonna wreck things and hurt you and I can’t do that! Not to you!”   
  
Dean was struggling for words but what he did say seemed to be rather honest and had made Castiel pause in the doorway, his eyes on Dean. “You want hurt me… Dean, I want to be with you. You’re everything I need and more and I have never felt like this in y life and I feel like I’ve finally found my place in this world and it’s right here with you, okay? I need you to know that. When was the last time you actually tried to be in a relationship? Y-You said that you felt like you might be i-in love with … me?” Castiel asked and Dean gave a nod, swallowing before responding to Castiel. “A little… at least that’s how it seems. It’s been a few years since I tried but I don’t want to ruin this, Cas… I’ve never had a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with anyone, it’s always just casual, once off sex and that’s it but I like you and a relationship just seemed like too much and I didn’t want to wreck what we have so I just thought that maybe we could still do things together but if something happened between us we wouldn’t have to worry about getting hurt because we wouldn’t be _together_.”  Castiel shook his head, stepping forward with a frown. “Dean, if something happened to us I would still be hurt because I’d be losing you and you make me so happy, you don’t understand… I like you a lot.”   
  
“If we were together we would have to be a secret, I don’t want you to have to do that if you don’t want to. It’s going to be difficult… I want you to be able to do things with the person you’re with when you’re in public but I can’t give you that, no one can know about me, Cas. My parents would disown me and I can’t lose them or Sammy.” Dean said quietly, his voice breaking on the last word. “Maybe we can try. I’m willing to keep things secret, Dean. I want this.”  
“Then… If this is what is going to make you happy, we can try, okay? I just want you to be happy.” Dean admitted, walking toward Cas with folded arms. “You make me happy, Dean.” Castiel’s words couldn’t have been truer. Dean was the one that Castiel needed in his life more than anything.  
Dean’s arms wrapped around Castiel’s waist and he pulled him close, eyes looking down into Castiel’s as they stood together by the door. “I’m going to try, Cas… for you, alright?”  
“Alright.” Castiel smiled, standing up on the tips of his toes to kiss Dean’s lips firmly. “This needs to be kept a secret until the time’s right for me to, well, y’know… come out of the closet.” Dean admitted, holding Castiel tightly. “I promise I’ll be here for you though, I think I’ve actually found the person I want to be with, Cas…”  
Castiel blushed, resting his head against Dean’s body with a small smile and closed eyes. There was no more friends with benefits, there were no more other people or ‘casual things’… it was just Dean and Castiel, the two of them together and that was all Castiel thought he needed. 


	9. Chapter 9

_**I regret to inform you that I will no longer be writing this fan fiction. After reading over it multiple times I decided that it is rather badly written and the plot itself isn't very good. I doubt this will mean anything to you all but I thought I should notify you all anyway. There is a slight chance that I will come back and continue it when I'm under less stress and my grades have improved but that chance is extremely small. Thank you to those of you who have read and/or given kudos to my work, that means a lot to me.** _

 

_**Sincerely, Am.** _

**Author's Note:**

> AN:// 
> 
> This chapter was rather short, a lot shorter than I was hoping but I will make up for the lack of writing and editing as soon as I have time to post the next chapter.


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